Destiny, You Cannot Destroy My Destiny
Every nerd and his second cousin is prepping to write an extensive blog entry comparing and contrasting the forthcoming live-action Transformers movie with the classic animated one from the 80s. Personally, I don't think such a comparison is worthwhile, because this new movie is pulling a Batman Begins. It's a Ctrl-Alt-Delete reboot of the Transformers mythology, and as such, it can't possibly have the enormous effect that the original movie did. The reason for this is that the original saw the culmination and ultimate tying-up of plot threads that its viewers were already intimate with after years of cartoon-watching.
We finally found out who'd be left standing after a battle to the death between the two great rivals, Optimus Prime and Megatron. The winner? Megatron, who was injured but did not die after his earth-shaking clash with Prime.
As a child, I was horrified to see Prime, a familiar and paternal figure, pass away, seemingly never to return. Watching the movie now, I bang my head on the wall and wonder, "How the hell did the writers get away with this?" I mean, come on, this whole deathbed scene is a farce! First of all, Prime's a robot. He doesn't have vital signs, and if he did, they'd be measured digitally, not in the organic, analog signals the movie shows! And this whole death thing goes against everything we fans had learned from watching the show. Think about the pilot alone. That showed Prime and all the other Transformers reduced to a pile of junk after the Ark crashed on Earth four million years ago, and then Teletraan I, the ship's onboard computer, automatically patched them all up! Then, later, a bomb is detonated beneath Prime while he's driving up a mountain road, causing him to tumble all the way down the slope. Guess what? Not only does he survive, but he is able to function normally! Prime's the toughest badass around! But now, in this movie here, we're expected to believe that a few shots to the gut are all it takes to bring him down for good? It's ridiculous!
It's painfully obvious that Hasbro was distressed by falling toy sales, and had to introduce a new Transformers lineup while eliminating the old one. Hence the sweeping character changes in the movie. Anyway, let's continue.
We finally saw Starscream assume leadership of the Decepticons, a position he'd publicly coveted since the series pilot. Unfortunately, he didn't even get to issue a single order, as the newly-revived Megatron, now named Galvatron, interrupted Starscream's coronation and blasted the usurper to bits.
This scene was startling, of course, but it always made me wonder: just what the hell kind of beam does Galvatron's cannon fire? It must contain some horrible alien energy, as it didn't just pierce and leave a wound. It enveloped Starscream and superheated him. Then, Starscream's metal body didn't just melt, it collapsed into dust faster than Kirsten Dunst in Interview with the Vampire. That's some pretty heavy weaponry, Galvatron! It's too bad you can't hit anyone else with it in this movie!
So a lot of narrative arcs were brought to a close, sometimes with unpopular results. This stuff wasn't happening in a vacuum, though. This was all before a backdrop of brand new, super-colossal, mega-confuso-storylines!
Gape in terror at the Quintessons, who keep an endless kangaroo court and execute people for being innocent rather than guilty! See the mighty, world-devouring Unicron, as he floats through space and gobbles planets like they were bonbons! All with a ridiculous "chomping" sound effect lifted straight from the Hanna-Barbera sound libraries! He fears the Autobot Matrix of Leadership, which is apparently some kind of bomb that Prime keeps in his chest, and which has never before been seen or referenced in the cartoon mythos!
Scratch your head at the Junkions, Transformers obsessed with advertising and "Weird Al" Yankovic, and who are led by Eric Idle! Cover your ears in shock as Spike and Ultra Magnus utter "shit" and "dammit" respectively! Hate and hate some more on that fucking shrimp Wheelie! Wail with sadness as you realize that you'll have to shell out more money for all these cool new toys! 'Til all are broke!
...
You know, I'm probably being too harsh on this movie. It really was an influential and emotional experience for us kids. It has terrific voice acting, as the cartoon series always did, and some breathtaking animation, which the series often lacked. When I first saw Unicron transform, I couldn't even speak. Bad though it is, it's a movie I'll never forget, simply because it served to end a years-long saga that was so valid to my childhood.
Now there's a new movie coming, one that intends to start a new saga with a likely string of sequels. It's going to take a lot of them, though, to build the momentum that the original film had behind it. But you never know; with Peter Cullen reprising the Prime role, this film just might earn the fanboy love it needs to be a success. Decepticons, retreat.
We finally found out who'd be left standing after a battle to the death between the two great rivals, Optimus Prime and Megatron. The winner? Megatron, who was injured but did not die after his earth-shaking clash with Prime.
As a child, I was horrified to see Prime, a familiar and paternal figure, pass away, seemingly never to return. Watching the movie now, I bang my head on the wall and wonder, "How the hell did the writers get away with this?" I mean, come on, this whole deathbed scene is a farce! First of all, Prime's a robot. He doesn't have vital signs, and if he did, they'd be measured digitally, not in the organic, analog signals the movie shows! And this whole death thing goes against everything we fans had learned from watching the show. Think about the pilot alone. That showed Prime and all the other Transformers reduced to a pile of junk after the Ark crashed on Earth four million years ago, and then Teletraan I, the ship's onboard computer, automatically patched them all up! Then, later, a bomb is detonated beneath Prime while he's driving up a mountain road, causing him to tumble all the way down the slope. Guess what? Not only does he survive, but he is able to function normally! Prime's the toughest badass around! But now, in this movie here, we're expected to believe that a few shots to the gut are all it takes to bring him down for good? It's ridiculous!
It's painfully obvious that Hasbro was distressed by falling toy sales, and had to introduce a new Transformers lineup while eliminating the old one. Hence the sweeping character changes in the movie. Anyway, let's continue.
We finally saw Starscream assume leadership of the Decepticons, a position he'd publicly coveted since the series pilot. Unfortunately, he didn't even get to issue a single order, as the newly-revived Megatron, now named Galvatron, interrupted Starscream's coronation and blasted the usurper to bits.
This scene was startling, of course, but it always made me wonder: just what the hell kind of beam does Galvatron's cannon fire? It must contain some horrible alien energy, as it didn't just pierce and leave a wound. It enveloped Starscream and superheated him. Then, Starscream's metal body didn't just melt, it collapsed into dust faster than Kirsten Dunst in Interview with the Vampire. That's some pretty heavy weaponry, Galvatron! It's too bad you can't hit anyone else with it in this movie!
So a lot of narrative arcs were brought to a close, sometimes with unpopular results. This stuff wasn't happening in a vacuum, though. This was all before a backdrop of brand new, super-colossal, mega-confuso-storylines!
Gape in terror at the Quintessons, who keep an endless kangaroo court and execute people for being innocent rather than guilty! See the mighty, world-devouring Unicron, as he floats through space and gobbles planets like they were bonbons! All with a ridiculous "chomping" sound effect lifted straight from the Hanna-Barbera sound libraries! He fears the Autobot Matrix of Leadership, which is apparently some kind of bomb that Prime keeps in his chest, and which has never before been seen or referenced in the cartoon mythos!
Scratch your head at the Junkions, Transformers obsessed with advertising and "Weird Al" Yankovic, and who are led by Eric Idle! Cover your ears in shock as Spike and Ultra Magnus utter "shit" and "dammit" respectively! Hate and hate some more on that fucking shrimp Wheelie! Wail with sadness as you realize that you'll have to shell out more money for all these cool new toys! 'Til all are broke!
...
You know, I'm probably being too harsh on this movie. It really was an influential and emotional experience for us kids. It has terrific voice acting, as the cartoon series always did, and some breathtaking animation, which the series often lacked. When I first saw Unicron transform, I couldn't even speak. Bad though it is, it's a movie I'll never forget, simply because it served to end a years-long saga that was so valid to my childhood.
Now there's a new movie coming, one that intends to start a new saga with a likely string of sequels. It's going to take a lot of them, though, to build the momentum that the original film had behind it. But you never know; with Peter Cullen reprising the Prime role, this film just might earn the fanboy love it needs to be a success. Decepticons, retreat.
1 Comments:
Transformers grew into every Nintendo psyhic kids mind. In our age, nothing seemed to unreal. Everything published seemed to be thoughtout and materialized to realism.
I have never seen our generation fall from grace as we are now. Those like Optimus, need to restablish good morales, values into our everyday thinking, and everyday exercise of communicating within our communities...
Robots just might be the next President...RoFLMAsO
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