Just Don't Ask What My God Looks Like
I've had my share of requests from people who want me to visit their churches, and those people have had their share of rejections from me. The reason for this is not idleness, pride, or even agnosticism. The reason is that I am the founder of my own religion, and it would be faithless to observe another.
My religion is called the "Don't Be An Asshole Religion," and as of today, it is one man strong.
There is only one commandment in the Don't Be An Asshole Religion, and that commandment is "Thou shalt not be an asshole." It is absolutely sinless to be anything you want to be in the Don't Be An Asshole religion: male or female, homo or hetero, conservative or liberal, nerdy or gangsta. If you are not an asshole, you are welcome in our fold.
Followers of the Don't Be An Asshole Religion pursue heavenly bliss, but it's not something they attain when they die. They are encouraged to find it here on Earth, by working toward contentment with courage and conviction. Rudeness, egotism, and ignorance are not permitted in the Don't Be An Asshole Religion, because those are qualities often exhibited by assholes, and they are only allowed when they are displayed against known assholes.
You may wonder what constitutes an asshole for the purposes of admittance into this religion. It's a fair question, but it's also not easily answered, as assholes have historically come in many colors, shapes, and flavors. It is sufficient to remember anyone about whom you've said, "Jesus, what an asshole," and then to not behave like that person.
It is against the Don't Be An Asshole Religion to make conscious efforts to recruit others into it, as that sort of pride is one of the most recognizable marks of the asshole, so propagation of the faith has been slow. I'm okay with that, however, as one of the innate laws of the religion is that the wider it spreads, the more likely it becomes that an asshole will infiltrate it, an event that heralds the faith's corruption and eventual downfall. So I'm in no hurry for the word to spread.
This blog post is not intended to be an advertisement, anyway. I merely felt it necessary to explain my invariable answer to those who would invite me to places of worship. Thank you for the generous offer, but spiritually speaking, I am covered.
Covered from the Asshole.
My religion is called the "Don't Be An Asshole Religion," and as of today, it is one man strong.
There is only one commandment in the Don't Be An Asshole Religion, and that commandment is "Thou shalt not be an asshole." It is absolutely sinless to be anything you want to be in the Don't Be An Asshole religion: male or female, homo or hetero, conservative or liberal, nerdy or gangsta. If you are not an asshole, you are welcome in our fold.
Followers of the Don't Be An Asshole Religion pursue heavenly bliss, but it's not something they attain when they die. They are encouraged to find it here on Earth, by working toward contentment with courage and conviction. Rudeness, egotism, and ignorance are not permitted in the Don't Be An Asshole Religion, because those are qualities often exhibited by assholes, and they are only allowed when they are displayed against known assholes.
You may wonder what constitutes an asshole for the purposes of admittance into this religion. It's a fair question, but it's also not easily answered, as assholes have historically come in many colors, shapes, and flavors. It is sufficient to remember anyone about whom you've said, "Jesus, what an asshole," and then to not behave like that person.
It is against the Don't Be An Asshole Religion to make conscious efforts to recruit others into it, as that sort of pride is one of the most recognizable marks of the asshole, so propagation of the faith has been slow. I'm okay with that, however, as one of the innate laws of the religion is that the wider it spreads, the more likely it becomes that an asshole will infiltrate it, an event that heralds the faith's corruption and eventual downfall. So I'm in no hurry for the word to spread.
This blog post is not intended to be an advertisement, anyway. I merely felt it necessary to explain my invariable answer to those who would invite me to places of worship. Thank you for the generous offer, but spiritually speaking, I am covered.
Covered from the Asshole.
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