Just Don't Ask What My God Looks Like

I've had my share of requests from people who want me to visit their churches, and those people have had their share of rejections from me. The reason for this is not idleness, pride, or even agnosticism. The reason is that I am the founder of my own religion, and it would be faithless to observe another.

My religion is called the "Don't Be An Asshole Religion," and as of today, it is one man strong.

There is only one commandment in the Don't Be An Asshole Religion, and that commandment is "Thou shalt not be an asshole." It is absolutely sinless to be anything you want to be in the Don't Be An Asshole religion: male or female, homo or hetero, conservative or liberal, nerdy or gangsta. If you are not an asshole, you are welcome in our fold.

Followers of the Don't Be An Asshole Religion pursue heavenly bliss, but it's not something they attain when they die. They are encouraged to find it here on Earth, by working toward contentment with courage and conviction. Rudeness, egotism, and ignorance are not permitted in the Don't Be An Asshole Religion, because those are qualities often exhibited by assholes, and they are only allowed when they are displayed against known assholes.

You may wonder what constitutes an asshole for the purposes of admittance into this religion. It's a fair question, but it's also not easily answered, as assholes have historically come in many colors, shapes, and flavors. It is sufficient to remember anyone about whom you've said, "Jesus, what an asshole," and then to not behave like that person.

It is against the Don't Be An Asshole Religion to make conscious efforts to recruit others into it, as that sort of pride is one of the most recognizable marks of the asshole, so propagation of the faith has been slow. I'm okay with that, however, as one of the innate laws of the religion is that the wider it spreads, the more likely it becomes that an asshole will infiltrate it, an event that heralds the faith's corruption and eventual downfall. So I'm in no hurry for the word to spread.

This blog post is not intended to be an advertisement, anyway. I merely felt it necessary to explain my invariable answer to those who would invite me to places of worship. Thank you for the generous offer, but spiritually speaking, I am covered.

Covered from the Asshole.

Stop This.

Apparently some people haven't figured out that cameras work just as well when aimed at eye level.

I guess one of the reasons for this irritating trend is to showcase cleavage, and so to distract attention away from the face.

Another cause may be the desire of the subject to appear weak and waif-like by creating the illusion that she is the size of a child.

Am I supposed to be intimidated?

Ooh, you're so scary! Unfortunately it's because you're so hideous! Listen, ladies, holding your camera up high does nothing but present the same ugly subject from a new angle. All anyone learns about you from a portrait like this is that you have arms of a standard or perhaps excessive length.

Why is it that women these days are going out of their way to present themselves as being more unattractive than they already are? Pajama bottoms that make them look homeless, lip piercings that make them look like the ones that got away, and now these self-portraits from high in the sky, which serves only to make them appear less mature and technologically savvy than stereotype has already asserted. If you want to be treated as equals, it's time to grow up!

People I Can Do Without

*Girls who say "dude."

*Anyone who wears pajama bottoms in public.

*People who use internet and text message acronyms in their actual speech.

*Parents who think their toddlers have ADD.

*People who believe in demons.

*Big fat guys with ponytails.

*Smokers who complain that they're always broke.

*Guys who wear their hoods indoors.

*Anyone over twelve who thinks ninjas are cool.

*Comedian activists.

*People who use the word "awesome" and mean it.

*American soccer fans.

*Women who think it's a feminist statement to not shave their legs. Lord save us!

What a Weird Message!

Hey everybody! Travis here, faithful office worker at your local Mervyn's! Uh, there really isn't much to tell you about these days, aside from one thing. Uh, it's a note I found at work, out in the open, undelivered. Heh, well, actually it was crumpled in the trash, but it was still pretty interesting! I was so darn intrigued by it that I figured, hey, maybe the person it's meant for is looking for it! So, for the fun of it, I've decided to put it up here so the person it's meant for might find it, uh, or something. This is a good idea, isn't it?

Here goes:

"Oh, is this that temper you're always so proud to tell me frightens people? That just tells me that I was right about all this. I'm not going to bother you about it though. Listen, if you want me to leave you alone, I only ask that you extend me the same courtesy. You have meddled in my work in the past, you have sneaked into my private projects, you have erased things that I have worked on, and knowing that you found my livejournal, not to mention some of the forum posts I've made which I never told you about, makes me nervous.

If you're looking for some sign that my life is deteriorating while yours improves, you're wasting your time. Say it to me, don't sneak around. And don't tell me what I 'need' to do. I don't know if you remember, as it seems alarmingly easy for you to put such things behind you, but you've been an enormous part of my life. You were my first love, my first kiss, my first everything. Just because you were able to find true love (again), get pregnant and then married in Las Vegas all in the span of a year doesn't mean it's that easy for me. I'll end here with a mirror of your request: if you're rifling through my things, just say it to my face. If you're too afraid to do that, then stay out of my stuff. "