Oh Dear.
Hey everybody, it's your old pal Travis here, with a small update about my life. I'm sorry to tell ya, but it ain't good news.
Yep, I done been fired from Mervyn's. Darn it.
I don't know what I was doing wrong. I was folding those ties all nice and neat, I was friendly to everyone I saw, I was yelling my lungs out for that Mervyn's card recording. Then one day ol' Shelley came up to me and told me things just weren't working out. She also said she hearda rumor I was stealin', which was really confusing.
Strange thing about it is that this happened right as I was gettin' ready to celebrate my one-year anniversary there. I was beginnin' to feel like I really belonged there. I was so proud. I haven't held a job this long for a long time. I was real excited about my health benefits finally kicking in, too.
Well, at least I'm taking it better than I did last time. Wish me luck as I hit the pavement one more time! That's me, good ol' Travis Finn, professional job-hunter.
Fat Will Kill You All!
How wonderful! Operation Flib-flab is nearing completion! Soon, the world will be helpless before the might of my minions!
My brilliant plan to convince all Americans that they're fat and ugly has them so distracted that they'll gladly drop their arms when my invasion begins! Yes, your weakness is not your failing manufacturing capacity, your disconnection from your leadership, or even your desperate addiction to money. It's your WOBBLY, GOBBLY CELLULITE! Now, for the Holocaust of the Fatties! Muhuhahaha! MUHUHAHAHA!
Tips for YouTube Losers, er, I Mean, Users
It's time for amateur hour on the internet, folks, which means we get to watch a myriad of morons pretend they have talent. They'll use their cheap webcams and Windows Movie Maker to tell us their oh-so-important opinions about our wacky culture. It's YouTube!
Hell, I'm no Voltaire myself, but I'm not trying to be a TV star here. If you're reading this, you're probably someone who knows me, so my opinion is at least somewhat valid to you.
Anyway, after getting pissed off while watching some YouTube videos, I have some suggestions for our amateur video uploaders over there. Hey, if you want to graduate to semi-professional someday, you're going to have to take some constructive criticism. Here goes.
1.) Stop using that fucking blue background for your title cards. It looks cheap, and shows that you can't be bothered to at least look at some of the other options Movie Maker provides for you. And try a different fucking font, too, while you're at it. Show some individualism.
2.) If you're making a video that incorporates other video, and you find yourself pointing your camera at a television, fuck it, just give it up. It's going to look like shit. Capture cards aren't as expensive as they used to be; get one. If your directorial urges are strong enough, you'll find a way to fit it into your budget.
3.) Try editing, for christ's sake. Too many of these YouTube videos are cratered with slack-jawed pauses, allowing the rest of us to enjoy the sight of some dork's drooling maw. Either rehearse beforehand, or edit this shit out. I'm not going to keep my browser tab open just to wait for you. You watch those shitty interviews on Extra and Entertainment Tonight, you should know what to do. Use weird flashes or fast zooms to compress time and get to the good quotes. That's all our attention spans have time for these days anyway.
4.) This one's for the commenters, and it's kind of a double suggestion, a twofer. Here's the first part: STOP CELEBRATING WHEN YOU HAPPEN TO BE THE FIRST PERSON TO POST A COMMENT. God damn, these people are stupid; they honestly think it's exciting and fun to be the first person to post a comment on a video. "First comment! Yay!" Sometimes, that's all they fucking post! It's like they don't even care about the video at all, they just want to plant their flag and take off. Then there are the folks who think it's cool to type the way they think a gangsta talks. "Datz da shit fuk that lol way2b foo wut it due," and so on. God DAMN, these people are really fucking dumb. After all, a real drug-slinging, heat-packing, woman-beating gangsta bastard would probably be too busy bribing cops and slitting rival throats to bother sharing his opinion on the latest episode of Dylan's Couch, okay? Gah, I can only wonder if these misguided trogs write everything this way, including their essays (as I can only assume they must still be minors).
These are the people we actually have to deal with on the internet. This is the result of popularity. Anyone who seeks to be famous will have to be ready to put up with this crap. Are you prepared to face the idiots of YouTube?
